How to recognize a vampire? (Based on common beliefs and assumptions)

[In writing this I have tried to be as objective as possible. As you will notice I have left aside my personal opinion of the subject, giving you only the facts.]

Vampires are supposed to dwell in closed, private places, usually big manors, gothic-style castles made of black stone found in remote areas such as woods, and ok you get the cliché. So I conclude the queen of England is a vampire! Yeah right, so we actually assume that after centuries of evolution those guys still have to live in dark castles to hide away from the sun? There are some stuffs that can prove stupid the black-castle theory; they are called sunscreen, poverty and modernity.

So assuming that vampires exist they can now be found anywhere! Booh!

Next you’ll have to look for the physical appearance. Vampires have a dull creepy look in their eyes and they’ve got pale dried skin. And they always wear dark colors like black, dark red, dark green, dark pink with dots. Hehe… in fact we have never considered stuffs like moisturizers, mascara, plastic surgery, laughter therapy and personal preferences of some vampires for certain colors, like baby blue and candy pink. Haha!

Next comes the FANGS! Now this one is an essential! A vampire without fangs is not a vampire! Fangs should resemble those of dogs (thank you Cookie, for lending me a picture of your fangs).

So this goes to say that vampires are almost everywhere and the big problem in recognizing them is that some of them possess retractable fangs. Lol… retractable fangs! I don’t even know if this term exists, but well, sometimes I surprise myself with my ability of finding words.

So that’s it for now ladies and gents and my frightened aliens.